I was thinking today about the 2 things I hate with a passion. Cars and private schools. This got me thinking that if I was president, these would be the first 2 things I’d outlaw. Right off the bat. That was a pretty interesting thought, so now I’m compiling a list of all the things that would be outlawed if I was president. Cause hey, if a egotistical maniac can be America’s president, then so can I.
- Private Schools: Probably one of the worst things in the world to exist. It’s not the individual private schools that suck, I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just the concept or idea of private schools. Another things parents have to cough up a crap ton of money for. Parents are downing in debt for having to send their kids to crazy expense private school and to crazier expensive college. Public schools should be improved! Funded! So paranoid little parents can send their kids there with the guarantee that they’re getting a good education! For free! Amazing!
- Cars: Refer to “I Sure Hope Life Isn’t a Highway, Cause I Hate I-95” to gain more insight into my hatred of cars. But seriously though public transportation needs to step up its game, and if I ban cars then public transportation will sky rocket. The environment will get better! People will stop being so angry all of the time! People won’t have to spend money on gas and crap!
- Large Hoop Earrings: Honestly, pretty ugly. I’d be doing everyone a favor.
- Veggie Straws: I’m tired of people shaming me for eating chips because they opt for the healthy veggie straw. This crap is gross. Vegans, man. How do they enjoy this?
- Pull Doors: I hate pull doors. Push is SO much better. And I automatically try to push every door so then when it turns out to be a pull door I get all flustered. So if I was president, bam, push doors, gone.
- That Paper That They Claim Is Toilet Paper: Let me begin with, THIS IS NOT TOILET PAPER. This is a napkin. NO this aint even a napkin. This is just paper. If I was president all of this would be gone, and the country would be 200 times happier because we’d all be using triple ply.
- 13 year olds: No one wants to deal with them.
- Stink bugs: I don’t know how I’d get them out, but I want them OUT. This is probably one issue everyone would agree with. This would be the grounds in which I base my campaign.
- Girls khaki pants: I don’t know about guys, but I can tell you I know no girl that enjoys khaki pants. They are horrible. They are so constraining. If you are a girl and you like khaki pants, please, let me know. Prove me wrong. But for all I know no girl likes these things.
- The Upstairs Section at Forever 21: I don’t like forever 21 but some people do so I can’t ban the whole thing. But the upstairs section is the worst. Such a mess and all the good stuff is downstairs too so the upstairs is just a big waste of time. Helps no one. The world doesn’t need that much forever 21.
Things I would NOT ban as president:
- An entire religion
There it is. The list of things I would outlaw and the list of things no one should even consider outlawing. If you have any suggestions please let me know so I can put them on the list in the future. I forgot so many things I’m sure, a bunch are even popping into my head right now. Socks that are that weird length between calf and ankle, beds that are too short for a 5′ person, and Moe’s. Why would anyone go to Moe’s.
P.S. I’m not going to ever be president in case you’re worried. That would be a disaster wouldn’t it. Almost like if Donald Trump was president. Oh wait… the disaster is real.