Let's Get Real Letters

Humane Things to Ban! (Hint: it’s NOT humans)

I was thinking today about the 2 things I hate with a passion. Cars and private schools. This got me thinking that if I was president, these would be the first 2 things I’d outlaw. Right off the bat. That was a pretty interesting thought, so now I’m compiling a list of all the things that would be outlawed if I was president. Cause hey, if a egotistical maniac can be America’s president, then so can I.

  1. Private Schools: Probably one of the worst things in the world to exist. It’s not the individual private schools that suck, I’m sure they’re fine,  it’s just the concept or idea of private schools. Another things parents have to cough up a crap ton of money for. Parents are downing in debt for having to send their kids to crazy expense private school and to crazier expensive college. Public schools should be improved! Funded! So paranoid little parents can send their kids there with the guarantee that they’re getting a good education! For free! Amazing!
  2. Cars: Refer to “I Sure Hope Life Isn’t a Highway, Cause I Hate I-95” to gain more insight into my hatred of cars. But seriously though public transportation needs to step up its game, and if I ban cars then public transportation will sky rocket. The environment will get better! People will stop being so angry all of the time! People won’t have to spend money on gas and crap!
  3. Large Hoop Earrings: Honestly, pretty ugly. I’d be doing everyone a favor.
  4. Veggie Straws: I’m tired of people shaming me for eating chips because they opt for the healthy veggie straw. This crap is gross. Vegans, man. How do they enjoy this?
  5. Pull Doors: I hate pull doors. Push is SO much better. And I automatically try to push every door so then when it turns out to be a pull door I get all flustered. So if I was president, bam, push doors, gone.
  6. That Paper That They Claim Is Toilet Paper: Let me begin with, THIS IS NOT TOILET PAPER. This is a napkin. NO this aint even a napkin. This is just paper. If I was president all of this would be gone, and the country would be 200 times happier because we’d all be using triple ply.
  7. 13 year olds: No one wants to deal with them.
  8. Stink bugs: I don’t know how I’d get them out, but I want them OUT. This is probably one issue everyone would agree with. This would be the grounds in which I base my campaign.
  9. Girls khaki pants: I don’t know about guys, but I can tell you I know no girl that enjoys khaki pants. They are horrible. They are so constraining. If you are a girl and you like khaki pants, please, let me know. Prove me wrong. But for all I know no girl likes these things.
  10. The Upstairs Section at Forever 21: I don’t like forever 21 but some people do so I can’t ban the whole thing. But the upstairs section is the worst. Such a mess and all the good stuff is downstairs too so the upstairs is just a big waste of time. Helps no one. The world doesn’t need that much forever 21.

Things I would NOT ban as president:

  1. An entire religion

There it is. The list of things I would outlaw and the list of things no one should even consider outlawing. If you have any suggestions please let me know so I can put them on the list in the future. I forgot so many things I’m sure, a bunch are even popping into my head right now. Socks that are that weird length between calf and ankle, beds that are too short for a 5′ person, and Moe’s. Why would anyone go to Moe’s.

Tara L.

P.S. I’m not going to ever be president in case you’re worried. That would be a disaster wouldn’t it. Almost like if Donald Trump was president. Oh wait… the disaster is real.

Casual Letters

Odd Behavior at the Family Gathering

I just got back from a family party at my grandma’s house. I came to notice the patterns that exist at every single family party, and how being at the family party affects my behavior. Here are some family-party-archetypes that you all have probably seen or experienced in your life (if you’re part of a white-suburban family most likely):

  1. The Wise Pop: The Wise Pop sits in the same seat the whole night with the remote in one hand, and a beer in the other. He gives good hugs and gives out good laughs. The person at the party everyone can’t help but loving.
  2. Hard-Working Grand mom  Poor grandma doesn’t get much help around the kitchen, but she cooks a mean turkey. She’s the first one to welcome you when you walk through the door and the last one to give you a hug before you leave. Everybody loves her and she loves everybody.
  3. Drunk Uncle: Speaks for itself.
  4. A ‘Lil Too Chatty Aunt: A ‘Lil Too Chatty Aunt is a lil too chatty. She talks about her kid’s problem, who can hear everything because they are literally 3 feet away. ‘Lil Too Chatty Aunt has had a lil too much wine tonight. ‘Lil Too Chatty Aunt gossips about other aunt who missed the party a lil too much.
  5. Aunt Who Missed The Party: Murmurs rumble throughout the sunroom the whole night about the aunt who missed the party. Does she think she’s too good for the party? If we all have to be here, then she does too! Really, Aunt Who Missed The Party, really?
  6. The Lone Child: The Lone Child’s other cousin friends did not show up to the party tonight. The Lone Child is abandoned, and mad at their parents for making them attend the party. The Lone Child is also mad at their cousin friends for leaving them hanging like this. They sit on the couch all night, surfing the channels, trying to pass time and fill the void.
  7. The Outlier Cousin: This cousin is much older than all the other cousins and is in the unknown territory between the adult table and the kid’s table. Which will they chose? Stay tuned, on this episode of “Everybody Loves the Rolls.”
  8. The Uncle Who Was Right: Remember that time the uncle said that one thing? Well get a load of this, he was right. The Uncle Who Was Right won’t let anybody get away this. By the end of tonight, everybody, and I mean everybody, will know that he was right.
  9. Child Who Just Wants Some Dang Attention: Will anybody ever pay attention to them? Anybody? Just a simple game of hide and seek, blocks, cards, anything? Just one game guys, help ’em out. They don’t have a phone yet so they basically have nothing to do but sulk. Just one game guys, one game.
  10. Cousin Who Did It: This cousin has done it. Have you heard about the thing they’ve  done? They’ve done it. They are amazing, stellar, a superstar, and all the other cousins are inferior. Cause you know what, they did it.

There it is, the 10 family party archetypes. I hope that you all (all one of you all) can relate to this. I fit about every archetype on here, except the coveted roles of Wise Pop and Hard-working Grand mom. No one can live up to them.

Tara L.

P.S. Did you hear the uncle was right?